2009 Holiday Movie Guide: Actors Who Should Never Do a Holiday Movie

By Brian Marder, Hollywood.com Staff | Monday, October 26, 2009

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It’s about that time of year again, when actors who have no business appearing in feel-good holiday movies phone in a bad performance for a good paycheck. Thankfully, not everyone in Hollywood has succumbed to the holiday-movie temptation -- although it’s not always by choice. Here are 10 actors who should heed the cautionary tale that is James Gandolfini in Surviving Christmas.

Christian Bale

Holiday-movie sets are supposed to be a little more joyous and at ease than an everything’s-riding-on-this-one set like Terminator Salvation. So just imagine if some inexperienced child actor, nervous about working with Batman, mucked up one of Bale’s scenes. At this point, Bale might go Patrick Bateman on the little dude! All kidding aside, and in Bale’s defense, there’s probably no way he has any desire to be involved with feel-good holiday fare anyway.

James Spader

Not that any casting director would ever say, “Eureka! James Spader can be the bankable name and face on the poster of our $100 million holiday movie,” but there’s just a certain something, an intangible depraved quality about the Sex, Lies, and Videotape/Crash/Secretary star that should probably prohibit him from even being within 500 feet of a production that would include minors. Hell of an actor, though!

Lindsay Lohan

Her unsavory reputation precedes her, and while that’s all well and good -- advantageous even -- for, say, a Robert Rodriguez movie (Machete), it wouldn’t fly for a wholesome, family-friendly flick. And that goes for anyone else whose misdeeds are blogged about on a daily basis.

Nick Nolte

Hilarious though it would be, in an ironic way, to see Nolte in a holiday movie, there’s something about him that just wouldn’t mesh well with a PG, P.C. movie released during wintertime. Perhaps it’s that gravelly voice or all the gruff roles and mature films with which he’s always associated -- or perhaps it’s the fact that his 2002 mug shot will forever be burned into our brains!

Mickey Rourke

Rourke’s been to hell and back in his personal life, and although we couldn’t be happier to see him riding high professionally once again, we’re more likely to see him in a sex tape than we are a holiday movie. In fact, how has one not emerged yet? Speaking of sex tapes ...

Sasha Grey

She’s not a household name yet -- unless, perhaps, your household is located in the San Fernando Valley -- but the Girlfriend Experience star is attempting something of a crossover from porn into mainstream Hollywood. There are limits, however, as to how far that crossover could go, because … let’s just say curious young viewers would be scarred for life if they ever Googled Grey and ‘SafeSearch’ was turned off!

Samuel L. Jackson

Arguably Hollywood’s least versatile -- and inarguably most overused -- actor, Jackson has never starred in a holiday movie, for good reason: He’d have to turn in a performance devoid of yelling AND cursing! In fact, Al Pacino (21st-century version) is in the same boat.

Keanu Reeves

It’s somewhat of a stretch to say that Keanu have ever been good in anything, but the Matrix trilogy, Point Break, Bill and Ted's -- those are his type of movies: There’s enough going on to distract viewers from his non-acting and “whoooooa” demeanor. Holiday movies, though, with their sentimentality and displays of emotion? The mere concept of Keanu being cast in one is like an SNL skit (from back when SNL was good).

Zach Galifianakis

He can play the R-rated fall guy (The Hangover) with his eyes closed, he can tone down the Belushi-ness (HBO’s Bored to Death), and he can even pull off PG-rated animated movies (G-Force). But no matter how big the beloved stand-up comic gets -- and he’s currently booked solid through 2011 -- you can be sure he will never take the holiday-movie plunge. That has to be Galifianakis’ line in the sand, sellout-wise, and just the same, studios’ cutoff for a plus-size, occasionally foulmouthed star to headline their holiday flick would presumably be Jack Black.

Megan Fox

People only pay money to see a Megan Fox movie for the tantalizing prospect of seeing her naked or very scantily clad, and last I checked, that’s not how the holiday-movie industry became the lucrative sub-season it is today. Unfortunately for Fox, she’s sold herself and been sold in such a way that might pigeonhole her career forever -- which may only mean summer blockbusters. Awwww.